Survivor's Guilt
by Daithre
Summary: In the wake of the final battle of the Second Wizarding War Alicia Spinnet discovers the Mirror Of Erised. Response to the "Voices of Erised" competition.


A/N: This is my response to the Mirror of Erised competition advertised on the boards. This is also my very first fanfic. I will confess: before writing this story(after being assigned the character) I had no recollection of who Alicia Spinnet was. I had intended to simply use the "redo" offered on the board, but decided a quick google search was in order. Upon finding the wiki article relating to the character(and remembering her role in the series) I asked myself what a girl only slightly younger than myself would be thinking after enduring a war in which the weapons and capacity for destruction are far more intense(and personalized) than any we Muggles would run across. The result was this story. A note on style: the long italic sections are memories.

The dust had barely settled from the battle. The Dark Lord's corpse was still warm, or so Alicia Spinnet assumed not certain if the monster's body could have ever been described as such. The nineteen year old witch made her way through a deserted corridor of Hogwarts, one of the many combatants combing the castle in the wake of the final battle. Alicia was searching for survivors- possible victims in need of healing, or Death Eaters in need of arresting.

Alicia crept towards a closed door wand steady in her firm grasp. As she neared the entryway she pressed her back against the wall, shifting her wand to her left hand she whispered "_Alohomora_." The lock emitted a soft _click_ and the witch waited, her breath held for a matter of seconds before quickly spinning to face the now unlocked portal. Lowering her wand to the edge of the doorknob she muttered a second spell "_Reducto,"_ following the spell with a quick kick, and ducking slightly as the door swung inwards.

The Witch waited, holding her breath for yet another few heartbeats. Certain no one was going to rush through the doorway to meet her she crept forward; head still lowered and wand leading the way. Alicia's eyes darted around the room with the practised precision of a woman who had extensive experience with close quarters duelling. Nothing; _"No one," _her own thoughts corrected her. The room was devoid of all life, save her own, the centre of the room however was occupied by an item she could not discern, an item covered by an ancient grey cloth.

Alicia approached the cloth, drawing her wand back directly to eye level and extending her left hand to grasp the fabric. The fabric was, despite its course appearance, quiet soft. With a single firm tug the drapery descended to the floor, "_Stupe-,_"

Alicia's spell was cut off as she uttered a noise somewhere between a sob and a gasp. The woman staring back at her from the mirror was a witch whom she recognized with ease. "It.. It can't be."

Alicia's eyes widened further as she realized she was staring in to a clear glass. What should have been a mirror reflected a much older woman, "Jenny?"

The witch spoke with a voice wrought with both hope and disbelief. Jenny had been her boss, the first one she had worked under after leaving Hogwarts. Alicia shook her head, knowing what she viewed was impossible. Impossible, she assured herself, as Jenny was dead.

_Alicia hummed to herself tunelessly, carefully cutting beef for a stew. Alicia was currently working in the kitchens of the Leaky Cauldron; a rather decent position for one who had so recently graduated Hogwarts with no firm idea for a permanent career path. One of the best parts of the position, Alicia reflected, was the job security. Even with a war raging beyond the premises patrons still filed through the doors. _

_ Alicia had resisted the urge to immediately rush off and join the resistance movement, figuring she should instead devote her life to quietly surviving. Not necessarily noble, she mused, nor was it something of which to be ashamed. She was no combatant, better to leave that part to Harry Potter and his small group of companions. _ _Her intrusive thoughts frequently reminded her she had graduated from Gryffindor house, not Hufflepuff. _

_ The girl could not help but smirk at the thought. The attitudes were so ingrained in the heads of those attending the school: Gryffindors were noble warriors; Ravenclaws studious sages; Slytherins greasy politicians, and; Hufflepuff everyone else. "Well," she muttered out loud, "Here is one Gryffindor content to be an 'everybody else.'"_

_ Her humming is cut off by a shout from the front room. A male voice is raised yet she cannot make out the words spoken. Alicia instinctively draws her wand, certain it is another drunk-fairly early in the day no less- making trouble for her supervisor. Knife dangling loosely at her side while she maintains a steady grip on her wand Alicia cracks the door open in hopes of hearing the exchange to judge whether or not her interference is required._

_ "Didn't you hear me, by orders of The Minister, everything is free to those of us who are chasing down all those nasty little mudbloods."_

_ Alicia swore under her breath; some little thug hoping for a free meal. Deciding her interference was indeed necessary the Witch opened the door and entered the front room. The other patrons were busy ignoring the squabble. Quietly surviving while others fought. _

_ "By orders of the Minister my arse," Jenny was now responding, hands firmly placed on her hips, "When Mr. Mighty Minister of Magic walks through that door and tells me to give you little pissants free dinner, I will."_

_ Jenny lacked any capacity to back her statement, as a squib she could no more hex the wanna-be Death Eater than she could teach a mosquito the difference between charms and transfiguration. Alicia, however, had no such short coming and raised her wand, the tip firmly pointed towards the intruder, "Oi, we don't appreciate that kinda language around here, no matter who's in charge."_

_ Alicia could feel her heart pounding in her ears, here she was facing off against some thug who made his living chasing down Muggleborns without any hope of back up. She found herself praying that this bully was no different from any on the schoolyard and would balk at the threat of repercussion._

_ Alicia found her assumption grievously off base. The thug smirked, "Oh this one has a bit of fight in her?"_

_ Alicia's Quidditch reflexes saved her from falling victim to the stunner of a patron who had only recently entered the establishment; his need for verbal magic the only thing alerting Alicia to danger. The red light flashed over her head, destroying one of the various liquor bottles above the bar and showering Alicia with glass and liquid. _

_ "_Sectumsempra_," Alicia did not recognize the spell the thug closest to the bar cast, and so did not pause to assess any damages and assumed the liquid that splashed across her face was debris from the first attack and the heavy thump Jenny throwing herself to the ground behind the bar. Her own stunner-fired through an opening provided by the warped boards in the bar- was spot on, dropping the furthest thug._

_ "Sorry, your friend seems to have punched out a bit early," Alicia taunted, "two on one, maybe you should just call it a day and get him some medical treatment." _

_ Alicia's hand instinctively wiped the liquid from her face while waiting for the thug to respond. Her entire face had been burning since the start of the fight so only now did the the warm viscous liquid on her hand surprise her enough for her to glance at her finger tips, "Two-on-one?" The thug, who judging by his voice had taken a few steps away from the bar spoke, "Maybe you should count again."_

_ Horror gripped Alicia's heart as her mind processed the blood on her hand, her eyes refused to shift position as her stomach turned itself in knots. The young witch forced her gaze from her hand and slowly scanned the floor, hesitant in her dawning terror. After an eternity her eyes focused on Jenny. Jenny who had hired her on in the absence of the actual Barkeep, who had taught her a number of lessons she could not have hoped to learn in school now stared back at her with wide, uncomprehending eyes. Alicia let out an audible gasp as her eyes, after what felt like an eternity, left the glazed orbs of her compatriot and sought some explanation for the death._

_ Alicia did not need to search for any lengthy period of time, the explanation was apparent. Whatever spell the hunter had used left a long gash across the Bartender's throat. It's such a clean cut, Alicia found herself musing in her bemused state, what kind of a spell could do such a thing?_

_ "First time you've seen death, girlie? Don't worry, it'll be the last, _Avada Kedavra"

_ Alicia had already started moving the second her subconscious registered the footsteps. Surviving- she had been doing it for so long she needn't even think. The green light struck the ground centimetres from where her feet had been seconds earlier. Alicia spun as she dove, responding with yet another stunner._

_ "_Portego," _The man spoke with a lazy drawl, his shield in place long before he faced any danger from Alicia's instinctive attack._

_ Alicia's face burned with desperation as she crawled backwards on her elbows. Why weren't any of the other patrons jumping in? Her mind registered a detail that had up until now escaped her. The patrons had fled the moment the first stunner had been cast and left two witches who had served them on countless occasions to die, all so they could survive another day until the Death Eaters showed up and destroyed them. The man had now climbed across the bar and was approaching Alicia with a measured saunter, "Stunners? Maybe you haven't realized but we aren't in a duelling competition sweet heart."_

_ "_Sectumsempra!" _Alicia shouted the spell as if her life depended on it-which it likely did-, and nearly wept when the wooden ledge to the man's right split in half, causing the numerous whiskey bottles housed upon it to crash to the floor and explode in a futile expression of destruction. Her hand had been shaking so violently as she cast that she was certain her own life was over. _

_ "Now you're getting it, _Crucio."

_Alicia could not pinpoint the exact location where the spell had connected with her body. One moment she was terrified, dragging herself backwards on her elbows the next her entire body was engulfed in flames of agony. She could hear someone screaming off in the distance, she was certain it was distant as the only feeling she could currently comprehend was the jagged knife slowly dragging itself across her abdomen as screws where forcefully tightened across every inch of her flesh._

_ As suddenly as the pain had started, it ended. Alicia found herself gasping on the floor, her legs pulled up to her chest and her body left in the foetal position. Her fingers barely brushed the handle of her wand; nine long years with a wand was the only thing that caused her fingers to feebly grasp the handle, "It would've been so much easier if you had just given up the free meal. But no, you nobodys want to feel like you are contributing something, defying the Dark Lord or what have you in some small way. Worms crawl on the ground and die. The only thing that makes them better than you and your deceased friend over there- they at least know their place."_

_ Alicia's breath was returning to her in quick gasps. The pain of the curse had somehow cleared her mind, granting her a clarity that had been robbed by her earlier fear. Alicia noticed the man was now standing directly beside the tip of the knife she had placed on the counter upon entering the front room, "_Wingardium Leviosa," _To Alicia's mingled horror and relief the knife began to hover inches above the wooden shelf._

_ "One Cruciatus and you are already off in looney land?" The man spoke quietly, more to himself than to her Alicia was certain. _

_ The man raised his wand as Alicia flicked her own. Whatever spell the man had meant to cast was cut off in a wet gurgle as bloody froth dripped from his mouth. The man's eyes were wide with shock as his hand groped at his throat, attempting to find the source of his demise. His fingers, she noticed, brushed the handle of the knife and his mouth formed a small "O" of understanding. _

Alicia's eyes burned with unshed tears when memory forced its way to the front of her mind it brought with it the associated terror and guilt. The mirror in front of her blurred as if indecisive about the next torture to inflict upon its hapless victim. Was it the mirror blurring, or simply her vision? She wondered.

The image of Jenny, someone with whom Alicia had a distant relationship with, alive was a manifestation of something Alicia could feel bubbling beneath the surface of her own conscious. An image of Fred Weasley alive and well joined Jenny in the mirror, smiling at Alicia from behind the glass and triggering yet another of the suffering girl's memories.

_Following the events in the Leaky Alicia had sought out her old Hogwarts friends, Fred and George Weasley, certain they would have ties to whatever underground resistance movement still existed. She had found herself, trembling, scared, drenched in liquor and blood in front of their shop. Sure enough they were able to harbour her and aid her in her new quest. To her surprise there was no shortage of people who defied the new Ministry of Magic. Numerous groups had formed in the absence of the once cohesive Order of the Phoenix. _

_ Alicia was now carefully concealed in the underbrush along an old walking path. Two others lay on either side of her, she was uncertain as to their identities. In a stroke of brilliance the Weasley twins had come up with the idea to mimic the Death Eaters' form of dress; Alicia could not discern the identities of either of her allies, as the both wore masks in a perfect likeness to the features of Harry Potter, Undesirable Number 1. The Twins' taste for the theatrical had not been satiated by such a basic imitation and so all of those aiding the movement were adorned in pitch black robes with a bright golden bird emblazoned in the centre in homage to the now on the run Order of the Phoenix. This particular group was fast gaining notoriety among the bands of "Mudblood Hunters" as Golden Ashes. Golden Ashes always acted in bands of six and for all Alicia knew those five others may have been the only members. The group used a method of communication Alicia was familiar with from her days in the DA: an enchanted coin(a knut as opposed to the previous galleon) that could be altered to display the date, time, and Apparition co-ordinates of any task their leaders deemed necessary._

_ A few kilometres farther was a small band of muggle born witches and wizards hoping to reach the coast where they would find a craft manned by sympathizers offering free passage to the mainland. Golden Ashes was tasked with delaying the group of Hunters fast approaching. The girl, or Alicia assumed it was female given the tone and pitch of the soft noises the creature was making, to Alicia's left panicked as the point man for the Hunter's band came in to sight. Alicia groaned inwardly as the girl leapt from her hiding place and shouted "_Stupefy!"

_ The jet of red light burst from the tip of the girl's wand, dropping the scout. Alicia swore vehemently and grabbed the back of the girl's robes pulling her from certain death as a green light flew from the group of hunters now rushing forward. What had been intended as an ambush and a route had transformed into a pitched battle right before Alicia's eyes. The edge of the pathway mere inches above the crouching witch's head was deteriorating under the constant barrage of magical energy. Green wand sparks flew into the air from the opposite side of the path, a signal from their leader that he intended to stay and fight. _

_ The girl Alicia had pulled from certain death was now emitting high pitched squeaking noises like some kind of over grown guinea pig, Alicia spoke in a harsh whisper, "If you're going to be useless get out of the way, you will only end up dead."_

_ Alicia assumed her prodding had clicked something into place in the girl's mind since the next second was occupied by a loud _crack_ followed by the girl's disappearance. Alicia rolled her eyes beneath her mask, drawing her wand as the distraction from the other side of the path(what she assumed was her allies coming out of hiding and flanking the Death Eaters) caused the barrage of antagonistic magic to slow. Alicia burst from her hiding place to join her allies; an unnatural calm settling across her mind as she joined the battle. She was used to violence and bloodshed, a warrior in mind and body. The girl who had been content to sit idly by in the Leaky Cauldron had died with the unnamed assailant._

_ "_Sectumsempra," _Alicia watched with detached indifference as a spray of blood burst from the stump of her target's right arm; his wand and his hand falling to the ground in a useless bloody pulp. "_Portego!" _The unmistakably male voice from her right shoulder shouted, producing a powerful shield charm that deflected the return fire- an unrecognizable purple beam of light- of their adversaries. _

_ Alicia did not waste her ally's spell, following her own earlier attack up with a quick stunner and a well timed "_Incarcerous!" _Trapping her initial target and effectively removing him from the battle._

_ Finding no immediate return fire(her companion had stunned her attacker as soon as his shielding spell had served its purpose) Alicia took stock of the battle. Three on her side- Herself, the man to her right, and the other unidentified figure from the opposite side of the path- faced off against two remaining opponents; one of whom was engaged in battle with the unidentified ally, the second of whom was looking very much like he was about to panic and take off. Her companion rushed to join their ally._

_ Alicia stood transfixed. The fight between her two remaining allies and the unidentified Death Eater was nothing less than breathtaking. The level of synchronized grace with which her companions battled turned the deadly duel into a delightful dance. Their opponent was equally skilled; demonstrating a level of experience that quickly compensated for the display. "_Imperio!"_ The remaining Death Eater had come to his senses in the face of the magnificent display seconds before Alicia could recover. _

_ Alicia found herself confused when the desire to turn the slashing hex on one of her allies pushed its way to the forefront of her mind. Alicia could feel an uncharacteristic bliss behind the alien thought; why on earth would she want to strike down one of her own companions? What a stupid thought! She shook her head and forced the thought away; when she came to her senses she was shocked to see her wand raised towards the back of one of her allies, dazed and confused she was unable to dodge the follow up, "_Imperio!"

_Alicia found herself swimming in an ocean of bliss once again, her vision blurred by the sheer amount of ecstatic pleasure. The command to harm one of her companions returned, this time far less specific. Cause harm; pull them from the fight! _

_ "No." Alicia told herself, "What a stupid suggestion."_

_ Alicia's vision cleared slightly, enough to make out four distant figures; three of whom were engaged in a two-on-one fight that looked very much at a standstill; the fourth was pointing a wand in her direction. A different command came; the command to simply kill one of them._

_ "Well that's not very specific," Alicia frowned inwardly._

_ The witch was not particularly fond of killing, but the unimaginable bliss that settled on her combined with the vague order made it impossible to disobey. The lives and health of her companions were one thing, but why did she care if one Death Eater was killed in order to preserve such a beautiful feeling? She could feel the words leaving her mouth, even if she had no memory of telling herself to speak them, "_Avada Kedavra."

_The words were as familiar as the green light that burst from the tip of her wand. Alicia had heard the incantation numerous times over the course of the war, and had learned them in her sixth year under the imposter Mad Eye Moody. She had, however, never spoken them before in her life. Her vision abruptly cleared and it took a moment for her to understand why her wand was pointed at the limp corpse of her previous opponent._

_ "Well," The voice that spoke from behind the mask of the remaining Death Eater was cold and imperious, giving the notion of aristocratic elegance, "I see you little terrorists have improved your repertoire of spells."_

_ The remaining Death Eater punctuated his statement with the loud _crack_ of Apparition; leaving Alicia with her two companions, who she was certain would stun her where she stood. Such dark magic clearly marked her as an enemy to their cause! The man who had been laying next to her in the bushes brought his wand to bear but rather than pointing it at Alicia he simply tapped it against his mask and allowed the mask to shatter. Alicia caught her breath and let it out in a loud gasp, "Fred!"_

_ The twins were easy to tell apart now that George lacked an ear, "Well, you know who I am; so who're you?" Fred Weasley spoke in his usual light tones._

_ Alicia brought her own wand to bear in a similar fashion, destroying the obscuring mask. Fred clapped her on the shoulder, "And I was just saying to George before this little spat: Ashes is Dumbledore's Army for graduates. Thank you for joining us tonight to prove my point!" _

_ The reference to the old group was like a punch to the stomach. Alicia's smile slid from her face as her eyes flicked between her old school friend and the corpse of the man who she had killed, "Don't look so guilty, from what I could see you were under the Imperious curse.. Guessing he gave you a dodgy order? I've seen it happen a couple of time," Fred continued to smile while the other person- who Alicia assumed was George- went about the battlefield using Incarcerous to bind fallen opponents and snapping their wands as he located them, "Besides, what were we gonna do with him? Send him to Azkaban? Pretty sure that gets them a raise."_

_ Alicia offered a wet chuckle and quickly brushed her eyes; forcing the feelings of guilt to the very bottom of her mind. Their remaining ally, who had also removed his mask revealing himself to be George Weasley("Yep, it's me alive and _hole"_ he had joked indicating his missing ear. Earning a slight chuckle from Alicia and a groan from Fred.) joined them, "I reckon that one who got away was old Lucius Malfoy." _

_ Fred imitated the cold drawl from before, "You little Terrorists should run along; as I have a broom shoved so far up my arse I can fly away from here whenever I desire." _

_ Alicia laughed aloud at Fred's impression, such moments of levity were few and far between. George tapped the tip of his wand to his bottom lip, "Well we should probably get those masks back on before I enervate our stunned comrade over there."_

_ Alicia brought the tip of her wand to the top right corner of her face allowing it to hover inches above the flesh and then dragging it diagonally across her features. A shimmering light danced before her vision for a few moments before clearing. The familiar weight of the mask was firmly back in place, allowing George to enact the healing spell to awaken their one fallen comrade(The second who had remained to fight had fallen victim to an asphyxiation curse and had expired during the course of the fight), "Well," The male voice Alicia knew to be George spoke, "I did it last time, so it's your turn, dear brother."_

_ Fred Weasley raised his wand, pointing it directly towards the sky. Alicia could not remember the spell(in fact she was certain it had been nonverbal) but the image would remain with her for the rest of her days. A brilliant scarlet light burst from the tip of Fred's upraised wand, illuminating the night like a burst of sun on a rain soaked day. A great bird of flame spread its wings across the clearing, opening its beak in a soundless cry, "What?" Fred asked no one in particular, "Those Death Eaters had some pretty interesting ideas."_

Alicia's legs finally gave out; she fell to the floor on her knees using her hands to grasp the edges of the mirror. Tears now flowed freely down her cheeks. What was this bloody mirror attempting to show her? She could not figure it out, she did not understand what she had done to be punished. Yes she had killed numerous Death Eaters and numerous wizards associated with the war. All of those deaths, she had told herself, were justifiable. So why could she not stop herself from crying?

During all of the battles Alicia had participated in she had preformed in a way she believed to be highly courageous. She had saved numerous innocent lives and had never given out under the stress of war. She now wept freely but could not understand why. Being on her knees set her directly eye level with the third figure the mirror added to the vision. Unmistakable untidy black hair and bright green eyes, it was Harry Potter. Why was his 11 year old self associated with the vision? For a moment she was able to draw a steady breath. The figure in the mirror lacked the famous lightning bolt scar. This person had never been attacked by Voldemort. A brief moment of clarity shocked Alicia out of her stupor. The mirror was attempting to show her a world without Voldemort, "No" Alicia whispered, her voice frail from crying, she lived in a world without Voldemort.

The Mirror was showing her a world in which Voldemort had never existed. A world in which she had not killed nor experienced the horrors of war. She was not certain how long she remained on the grimy floor, tears pouring from her raw eyes.

"You know," a male voice sounded from behind her, "I've always thought the Mirror Of Erised should be demolished."

Alicia's body responded long before her mind with a practiced rapidity brought on by months of endless conflict; Alicia had retrieved her wand, jumped to her feet, and spun to face the new comer before she could spend the second to think that she may be attacking an ally. The new comer gripped her wrist tightly as she pushed her wand forward and allowed the momentum of it to drag her along placing his own wand just beneath her chin. Alicia found herself staring in to fierce emerald green eyes. The eyes held the same look of cold detachment she had seen in her own after every single battle, they warmed however and he spoke again, "It's something Dumbledore explained to me in my First year, the Mirror shows us what we most desire."

"Harry?" Alicia was less than happy when she realized her voice retained an extremely frail quality brought on by tears.

Harry Potter smiled warmly, "Don't put too much stock in whatever you saw in that mirror. If it's something possible work towards it, otherwise don't bother lingering on it."

Alicia was surprised by the confidence in the man's tone of voice. She had not seen him since leaving school at the end of his fifth year and so the changes seemed drastic. The overly awkward boy weighed down by the yoke of responsibility had evaporated; in his place was a man radiating a confidence and peace she could not begin to comprehend. He released her and she straightened up immediately, replacing her wand in one of the many pockets of her robe.

Alicia quickly wiped her eyes and rubbed her face in the sleeve of her robes, hoping to destroy all evidence of her earlier weakness, "So," She started, not exactly sure how to recover from the earlier scene, "You killed Voldemort."

Harry smirked slightly, "That I did; from what I heard from George your own achievements aren't exactly anything to snub your nose at. You saved a countless number of innocent lives."

Alicia was only just starting to notice the far off gaze in Harry's eyes. The pause in the conversation had caused him to glance towards the glass as well, "What is it you see in there?" She asked before she could help herself.

Alicia's question seemed to regain the attention of the Boy Who Lived, "Well, Alicia, I see myself at Christmas," the look on his face told her he was internally laughing at some kind of in joke, "And I have just received a new pair of socks."

End Note: I Don't remember: was sectumsempra only ever used by Harry and Snape? Or was it a spell for which Snape was famous(for both inventing and using) but one that many others also utilized? Sorry if that detail is extremely un-cannon.


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